10 posts tagged “humour”

Pear

One of my first friends in life will be visiting the janma bhoomi next month, and as what I am sure is a gesture arising from good intentions, asked me for my waist size so she can get me a pair of "comfortable pants to wear around the house".  I was all mushed up at the request, until today, when I took out the inch tape to measure the midsection.

Had S not been my friend of three decades, ever since we ate each other's biscuits in kindergarten, and continue to share joys and sorrows through life, she would be in hot soup. Here I was, until I took out the cursed inch tape, happy with my routine of three square meals, a few dozen snacks in between, and daily walks with dude around our wonderful campus as an apology for exercise. Now, I will still have the same routine of three square meals etc., only, I am sure it won't be entirely a happy routine, with this little voice (most likely S's) at the back of my mind, reminding me that I used up most of the inch tape just half-way into my midsection. 

Let us not talk numbers, but yes, I I have always been pear-shaped.  Now it is still a pear, just a mutant one.

Just couldn't resist this one.  Inspired (?! ) by Purplesque, who was in turn inspired by Karen.  What a wacky neighbourhood I live in.  BTW, while you are at it, please check out Karen's side button .  It made my day.

Rule: Google your first name along with the word 'needs'. Then enter the first ten entries.

(the comment in paranthesis, are obviously my own)

1. Lakshmi Needs To Bake Me A Pie
(Lakshmi needs to bake herself a pie).

2. Lakshmi Needs Some Sausage In Her Mouth
(No thank you. Lakshmi happens to be a vegetarian)

3. LAKSHMI needs MEDS.
(Whoa)

4. Lakshmi needs to exercise and have foot massages regularly
(You bet)

5. The school looks after Lakshmi's needs which includes a high protein diet
(Which school is this?  Lakshmi would love to enroll)

6. Lakshmi needs to be operated within 5-6 months
(Lakshmi sincerely hopes not)

7. Lakshmi, need to be rescued
(from WHAT?)

8. Lakshmi needs to be punished for making statements such as 'I try not to wear short skirts because I don't want to invite trouble".
(Lakshmi won't wear short skirts only because she does not want to subject humanity to her multicoloured varicose veins)

9. Lakshmi needs to be a hit for Venky's future in the industry as a big star. 
(Seems like a violent route to Venky's future.)

10. Lakshmi needs to gain some weight
(Any more honey, she'll set off an earthquake by just walking).

Laadam-oc23-2008

I swear I am not making this up.  

Inspired by a blog entry titled “Should an IIT Prof. Blog?” I sought to answer the question “Should a housewife blog”?

I came up with compelling arguments favouring “Yes” and even more convincing excuses for “No”. Here is a list of why a housewife should blog:

10. To connect to a lot of interesting people out there in cyber space

9. To stop the creaking of a slowly rusting brain, and to prevent big words of neuroscience (e.g. Alzheimer) entering the vocabulary of the friendly neighborhood doctor.

8. To look and sound important to the long-lost high-school best friend with “oh, you don’t blog? You SHOULD, you know”

7. To take a break from counting the number of scrapes junior had in today’s fight, or the number of calories that have gone into junior’s tummy, or the color and consistency of umm..different emnations from junior.

6. To connect to people (usually, other rusting housewives) and exchange ideas on the number of scrapes junior had in today’s fight, or the number of calories that have gone into junior’s tummy, or the color and consistency of umm..different emnations from junior.

5. To have actual, real, interesting (to the blogger at least) stuff to think about, other than the number of scrapes junior had in today’s fight, or the number of calories that have gone into junior’s tummy, or the color and consistency of umm..different emnations from junior.

4. To go beyond petty “why did the Jones’ have fish on Friday”, and “What happened in Bold & Beautiful today (or Saas bhi bahu… or Selvi..)”

3. Actually understand why the husband is so hung up on the computer (especially if he is an avid blogger himself) as soon as he gets back from work and not get driven up the wall, unless.. well, I shall leave the following argument to the “cons”.

2. Have the toddler son or daughter baby talk “blog posts”, “technorati tags” and “blogger registrations” before he/she can say “Mom”.

1. To do justice to the poor man/woman, who, despite the dismally low pay, worked hard at ramming Wren and Martin into your head in high school, for the sheer joy of it. (Mrs. Renuka Paramanand, wherever you are, this point is dedicated to you).

And the cons are:

10. Connecting to a lot of..mmm..interesting people out there in cyber space

9. Replacement of creaking brain by creaking body and addition of big words of orthopedics (e.g. Carpel Tunnel) to the vocabulary of the friendly neighborhood doctor.

8. Wondering when your best friend from high school who has called you after five years is going to hang up so that you can get back to blogging

7. Worrying that you are not counting the number of scrapes junior had in today’s fight, or the number of calories that have gone into junior’s tummy, or the color and consistency of umm..different emnations from junior.

6. Connecting to people (usually, other rusting housewives) and usually exchange ideas on the number of scrapes junior had in today’s fight, or the number of calories that have gone into junior’s tummy, or the color and consistency of umm..different emnations from junior.

5. Having actual, real, interesting (to the blogger at least) stuff to think about, other than the number of scrapes junior had in today’s fight, or the number of calories that have gone into junior’s tummy, or the color and consistency of umm..different emnations from junior, that may not in the least interest the reader.

4. Worrying about what you can write other than “why did the Jones’ have fish on Friday”, and “What happened in Bold & Beautiful today (or Saas bhi bahu… or Selvi..)”

3. Having constant fights with husband (especially if an avid blogger) and 2-year old child immersed in Uptoten for some measly computer time to blog

2. Having the toddler son or daughter baby talk “blog posts”, “technorati tags” and “blogger registrations” before he/she can say “Mom”.

1. Constantly letting milk boil over because of framing sentences for your next post, while staring at the boiling milk. And cleaning spilt milk from the stove is the domestic equivalent of capital punishment.

1. The evening you have snacks and coffee ready for your husband, he will be late.

Corollary 1: The evening you do not, he will return home early, hungry enough to eat an elephant.
Corollary 2: The day the husband promises to come home early, you may as well put away the snack and coffee, for he is going to be later than usual.

2. The moment you sit down to eat, your 2-year-old toilet-trained kid will require you “urgently”, or the milk man will bring the milk earlier (or later) than usual, or a stranger will knock asking for an address which is in the diametrically opposite end of your colony.

3. The chordless phone will be completely dis-charged the day you are waiting for an important phone call.
Corollary: If the call is from a telemarketer, the phone would work just fine, despite being discharged.

4. The day you decide to go to the swimming pool will be the day your kid gets a fever.
Corollary: The day you decide to go to the pool, and your child is ok, it will rain.

5. The garbage collector will come exactly 10 seconds before the milk will boil over. You cannot wait for the milk to finish boiling, because the garbage collector will traverse the entire stretch of your street (however long it is) in those 10 seconds and will be a mile away. You cannot dash to the frontyard to leave your garbage, because the milk will choose to boil over in exactly that precise moment. You cannot leave out the garbage before the garbage collector arrives, because monkeys will then have a field day, leaving your front yard a dump yard ! The only choice is to switch off the stove when you hear the ding dong of the collector, and come back to see your milk boiled over anyway, in the remaining heat of the burner.

6. The day you think you have finished all your work before 10 PM, and are ready to hit the sack, there would be a massive, all-night power failure.

7. The day your maid skips work, would be the day after you and your family changed maximum number of clothes.

8. You would know that your maid is on leave, the minute AFTER you soak all the clothes in soap water.

9. The mobile vegetable vendor ALWAYS arrives 5 minutes after you have finished your shopping for the week at the shop half-an-hour away.

10. The day you wash and dry your husband’s jeans out in the sun, it would pour without warning, even if you were in the middle of the Sahara.

Toiletpaper

My four-year old is shocked beyond words. Absolutely stunned.   She is unable to believe that some people use paper and not water to clean up after essential bodily functions.

"How can they use paper? Won't 'it' stick?,"
"Won't they get fever because of infection?",  
"Are you sure they don't dip the paper in water before they use it?" 
"Do they use it after both moochaa and aai?",
"Does athai (her aunt who lives in the US) use paper?",
"Does athai use paper on baby S (V's six-month old cousin)?".

And then it struck her like a thunderbolt.  Amma and appa lived in the US before she was born.  Her eyes widen.  She throws an accusing glance at me and screams- "You and appa used PAPER in the US?". 

Mom and dad have feet of clay, afterall.

Just wait until she finds out that she did not grow from a seed inside mommy.

Erma bombeck

For years, I have studied the phenomenon of the mother who sits down for a moment to get off her feet.  From all I've been able to gather, a message goes out over an invisible network that flashes to the world "Mother is in sitting position, Proceed and de-sit".

At that moment, the doorbell will ring, children will appear holding vital parts of their anatomy, the dog will dig its paws insistently into a leg, the husband will call impatiently for hlep, a phone will register its fifteenth ring, a pot will boil over, a buzzer will sound, and faucets will go on all over the house and a loud voice will shriek "I/m telling".

Erma Bombeck is my God.